Yesterday I had a brain
wave: an idea which would practically be a license to print money. In just a few months I could make billions. Unfortunately, as
a writer, I'm not interested in money; I'm more interested in
spending long hours slaving away over books which may never get
published, so perhaps someone else wants to run with this idea?
Now, perhaps you've
heard of a little book called 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Perhaps you're
aware that this book started out as fan-fiction based on a moderately
popular series of books known as the 'Twilight Saga'. You might not
be aware (unless you've checked the Wikipedia articles) that the
Fifty Shades Trilogy is now the fastest-selling paperback of all
time, rather eclipsing (pun most torturously intended) the
book series which spawned it.
The lesson to be
learned here? Fan-fiction makes more money than original fiction.
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It's so simple and
brilliant, that I can't believe no one has thought of it sooner.
(Admittedly, what sparked this idea was a book prominently displayed
during a recent visit to Waterstone's entitled 'Fifty Shades of Earl
Grey', but that was a parody, rather than fan-fiction, so differs
from what I am proposing). Clearly the key to success is
piggy-backing off the success of other works through derivative
writing.
Therefore here is my
five-stage plan to literary dominance:
1. Fifty Shades of Gay
Fan-fiction of Fifty
Shades of Grey re-imagined for the gay market. Also takes inspiration
from the popular film, and subsequent novel of the film, Brokeback
Mountain. Features just enough description of rippling male torsos
and light bondage, while steering clearer of more graphic
descriptions of anal penetration, to keep the over-thirties
heterosexual house-wife demographic interested. While the occasional
switches between first- and third-person narration may initially
appear as the narrative inconsistencies typical of an amateur writer,
critics would soon realise that they are in fact a clever
implementation of the free, indirect style employed by Modernist
writers of the 1930s, such as Virginia Woolf, and serves to create a
multi-layered, multi-faceted portrait of a relationship which
develops between a wealthy businessman (who may or may not be a
vampire) and a young, closet homosexual.
Once the above has been
outsold Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight combined, which I expect to
happen two to three months after publication, stage two will be ready
to launch:
2. Fifty Grades of Gay
Fan-fiction of the
above fan-fiction fan-fiction (written by the same author, of course,
but under a different pseudonym). Again this book appeals to an
ever-expanding gay audience (the ubiquitousness of Fifty Shades of
Gay, with its descriptions of well-oiled muscles and glamorisation of
light bondage, is likely to have turned at least some staunchly
heterosexual males bisexual), as well as to the over-thirties
house-wives. This time the plot would be centred around the owner of
British steel engineering firm as it struggles to cope with the
decline of domestic manufacturing and the economic recession of the
1980s, and the seduction of a young worker in one of his factories.
The plot would resonate strongly with audiences affected by the
current world financial situation, as well as evoking nostalgia for
those who grew up in the 1980s. The cast of characters within the
engineering firm would also be reminiscent of the popular television
series Madmen, providing an easy entry point to the written word for
people who prefer to get their entertainment from a screen.
You'll really be raking
in the money by this point, but it's no time to stop: it's on to
stage 3:
3. Fifty Blades of Gay
Set in 1870s Japan,
this novel deals with a rag-tag collective of Samurai who, with
skills made largely redundant by the abolition of feudalism, as well
as with a growing disillusionment at the loss of traditional values
following the industrialisation of Japan, turn to mass homosexual
orgies, described in sumptuous, though largely euphemistic detail. As
before, the novel avoids graphic description of sexual acts, instead
treading a thin line between gasping and excitement and socially
acceptable erotic deviancy. While at first sticking comfortably to
the conventions established in the original
Twilight-fan-fiction-fan-fiction, Fifty Shades of Gay, and the
subsequent Twilight-fan-fiction-fan-fiction-fan-fiction, Fifty Grades
of Gay, the book features an almost incongruously surprising second
half concerning the mass uprising of a horde of vampires which the
gay samurai must put down, thus earning them a place in the new Japan
as it heads into the twentieth century.
As a bonus stage 3 is
also ripe for a manga-style comic book adaptation, thus roping in the
audience who found Twilight just a bit too wordy. This comic would in
turn attract the hitherto untapped under-thirties male demographic.
In addition, for its treatment of universal human themes such as
dealing with change and obsolescence, as well as its treatment of an
historical period, the novel may well be nominated for, and go on to
win, several literary prizes. The Man Booker prize, for instance,
legitimising its existence and spurring it on to greater popularity.
4. Seven Blades of Gay
Furthering the series'
cultural legitimacy along with its popularity and, of course,
money-printing potential, Seven Blades of Gay would not only be
fan-fiction of Fifty Blades of Gay, itself fan-fiction of fan-fiction
of fan-fiction of fan-fiction of Twilight, but also a fan-fiction
retelling of Akira Kurosawa's acclaimed film Seven Samurai. The
action this time would have moved to feudal Japan, following the
popular reception of the samurai element in Fifty Blades of Gay, and
would this time focus more deeply on a smaller cast of seven
protagonists as they each struggle to find their sexually deviant
niche. In a nod to Disney's popular adaptation of Snow White, and to
avoid the difficulty Westerner's might have in remembering foreign
names, each of the samurai would be referred to by a nickname taken
from his particular kink: whippy, baby, cutty, bestiality, wanky,
spanky and clampy. Despite the criticisms of misrepresentation from
the proponents of the various fringe sex acts, the vast majority of
the readers, which would by now amount to 70-80% of the population of
most developed countries, would lap up the neutered descriptions of
previously distasteful subjects, finding it perfectly acceptable to
read on the train to work such lines as “the bull's hot breath on
his neck only made his erection grow stronger.”
The increasingly
derivative nature of these novels, despite being supposedly written
by different authors, is what gives them their real power, the
revenues increasing exponentially with each new release, but the
final stroke of genius comes in stage 5:
5. The Seven
Magnificent Guns of Gay
This is more-or-less a
rewrite of Seven Blades of Gay, under a new pseudonym, but transposed
to an alternate history, steam-punk flavoured, version of the
ever-popular American Wild West. As well as the standard Western
themes of wilderness, masculinity, survival, frontierism and attacks
by steam-punk robot vampire Native Americans1,
the plot also deals with the seduction and betrayal of several young
gunslingers by the wealthy owner of a railway company. This book is
specifically designed to appeal to just about everyone, young or old,
straight or gay, and is likely to far outlast the lifetime of the
author or the author's children. It achieves the impossible by
pleasing everyone all of the time, and is likely to be bought by 99%
of the entire population of the planet.
Once you have put my
plan into action, and reached stage 5, the only danger, due to all
the money you will have earned, is of completely destabilising, and
ultimately destroying, the world economy by holding too much of its
money. It will be important at this point to invest large amounts of
money in new development projects, as well as to shower your
initially innocent young concubines with ever more elaborate gifts.
Also, you can send me
some of the proceeds to fund my own writing.
1
Adjectives, as we all know, infinitely increase the value of any
product, whether it's book or sandwiches: that's why you can charge
for more for a 'Davidstow creameries oak-aged mature cheddar and
organic sun-kissed vine-ripened tomato sandwich on olive oil-infused
focaccia bread than you can for plain old cheese-and-tomato
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